Guarding the Door: Protecting trans and non-binary children and young people.

"No one deserves to live in the closet. But, if you are safer inside, I will guard your door."

Usually, when I meet a new group of young people, my main thought is: 'I hope they think I'm cool'.

But, lately - while the want to be cool is still there - my main thought has been: 'I hope they know they can trust me'.

I've been working with children, young people and families for most of my adult life, in arts and community settings. I recently started working with older kids than I'm used to, and the importance of supporting them in every facet - socially, emotionally, mentally - strikes me every day.

Pastoral care should always be proactive: identify potential issues and vulnerabilities and work to address them before things come to a head. This also means fostering an atmosphere where your young people feel safe, heard, honoured and respected. Which brings me to my point...

Almost half (48%) of trans people in the UK have attempted suicide. Which means, if you work with just two trans kids your entire career, one of them is, has been, or will be seriously considering taking their own life.

As professionals and, more importantly, as people, we owe the young people in our care more than that. We owe them a world much kinder than the one we grew up in. We owe it to them to change the culture.

So, listen. Learn. Understand. Stand up. When a young person approaches you to talk about their pronouns, or about the fact the name they signed up with is their deadname*, listen. Validate them. Tell them how happy you are that they're finding their self - isn't that what we strive for in this line of work?

*a deadname is the name you were given at birth but no longer wish to be called. Often, our names reflect the gender we were assigned at birth, and not the gender we know ourselves to be.

But it goes further than that, and this is where guarding the door comes in. We've all experienced a young person asking to talk to us about something they don't want their grown-ups at home knowing. While that usually sets off those safeguarding alarm bells, most often what they want is advice they're scared to ask their grown-ups about. "I've fallen out with a girl at school, but our mums are best friends.", or, "I'm worrying about my exams, but I feel like I can't tell my guardian because they put a lot of pressure on me.", or even "I have a crush on someone the same gender as me and I don't know who to talk to about this."

We know the rules - if a young person approaches you and divulges they're being harmed or at risk of being harmed, we defer straight away to the relevant support systems and authorities to get that young person to a place of safety immediately.

But what of the danger that we, as facilitators, risk putting our young people in, by outing them at home before they're ready?

If you are safer inside, I will guard your door.

So, what is guarding the door? It's simple: when a young person asks you to respect their pronouns, we need to make sure we are asking, 'if I need to contact home, am I okay to refer to you by these pronouns to the adults you live with?'

If a young person tells you they've been signed up with their deadname, and they are called by another name, we need to ensure we ask, 'can I call you that if I need to contact home?'

Hopefully, the answer will always be yes. But when it's not - respect that. It can be difficult juggling this, one name in the group and another name at home, but it's nothing compared to the young person who is spending their whole life juggling it.

This is guarding the door. Whether you're an arts group, an education group, a community group - whatever, you need to let your young people know they can be their true selves in this space, but you will not out them to their families, guardians or schools.

The difference this makes is immeasurable. And it's not just for trans or NB kids. The same goes for all LGBTQ+ kids in your care. We all want our children and young people to be their most authentic selves - to be out, and loud, and proud - but the reality is, sometimes people feel safer in the closet. And in those cases, the least we owe them is this: we will guard your door.